Most of us go to great lengths to avoid difficult conversations.
We worry about saying the wrong thing, damaging relationships, or making the situation worse. So we bottle it up. We ruminate. We rehearse what we wish we’d said, but often never say it.
And yet… those same conversations are often exactly where the relief lies.
I have been coaching people for over 20 years, and I regularly support people through high-stakes conversations. Like a recent client who asked her boss for a £10,000 raise - and got it. Or a client who was a avoiding a difficult conversation with their neighbour about disruptive noise levels.
Whether it's professional or personal, what all these conversations had in common was this: they were risky, but necessary. And handled well, they didn’t cause damage, they created clarity, growth, and a huge reduction in stress.
Why Do We Avoid Them?
Because there’s so much at stake.
- Be too emotional or blunt, and you might harm the relationship.
- Be too vague or polite, and nothing changes (except your rising resentment).
But here’s the thing:
Avoiding a conversation doesn’t make the tension disappear.
It simply buries it — and it shows up elsewhere: in stress, burnout, strained relationships, and lost opportunities.
Why Have the Conversation?
Because when it’s done well, a difficult conversation can:
- Clear the air
- Strengthen relationships
- Increase confidence and influence
- Relieve long-held emotional tension
- Create space for change - at work or home
And you don’t have to go into it blind. There’s a way to prepare that improves your odds of success dramatically.
Having helped hundreds of clients, I would like to share five key tips that can help you to improve your next tricky conversation:
1. Cool Down First
If you’re feeling angry, anxious, or overwhelmed, don’t start the conversation yet. Hot emotions hijack your ability to listen and respond well.
Instead, take time to process. Write down your thoughts. Go for a walk. Vent to a friend. Meditate. Breathe. Then schedule the conversation when you’re calmer and more able to show up as your best self.
2. Start with Clarity and Respect
Dancing around the issue can make the other person feel confused or defensive, like they’re in trouble without knowing why.
Try something simple and honest:
“The reason I wanted to talk is that I’ve been feeling upset since our last conversation, and I want to clear the air. Would that be okay?”
It’s direct, respectful and invites collaboration, not confrontation.
3. Use Nonviolent Communication
Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication offers a simple framework to express your experience without blame:
- Observation: What happened, without judgment
- Feeling: How it made you feel
- Need: What you’re needing more of
- Request: What you’re asking for
For example:
“When you talk over me, I feel sad and dismissed, because I need to know my opinion matters. Would you be willing to let me finish before responding?”
It sounds simple, but this level of self-awareness and clarity takes practice. And it’s powerful.
4. Stay Curious, Not Certain
It’s easy to go in armed with assumptions. But try asking instead:
- How do you see the situation?”
- What was going on for you at the time?”
- Was there something I did that upset you?”
You might discover misunderstandings or unseen pressures. And if you're asking them to change, be open to hearing what they might need from you, too.
5. Know When to Get Support
Not all conversations can or should be handled alone.
If the stakes are high or emotions are running deep, don’t hesitate to ask for help — from a coach, a mediator or a trusted advisor. In some workplace settings, escalation might be needed to resolve conflict constructively.
Final Thought: It’s Not Supposed to Be Easy
They’re called “difficult conversations” for a reason.
Most of us weren’t taught how to do this well, and that’s okay.
But with a little guidance and practice, these conversations can become a source of power and relief, rather than dread.
If there’s a conversation you’ve been avoiding, and it’s starting to cost you peace of mind, consider getting some support. You don’t have to navigate it alone.
Noel Clerkin is an experienced Personal and Executive Coach and Facilitator. He is also a Director at the Belfast Chiropractic Clinic and offers 1:1 coaching here. You can find out more about Noel here.
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